The one about our 5 year anniversary.

I’m one of those people that you might call “uptight.” I like things to be a certain way and I have a borderline phobia of germs. Organization and list making helps me sleep at night so I don’t wonder if there are things that I’m forgetting. I forget a lot of trivial information and I’m SUPER directionally challenged. It’s pretty ridiculous, and not in the least bit funny, when my phone is dead and Siri can’t tell me how to get home from a friend’s house 10mins away. Oh, and did I mention I get my lefts and rights mixed up, even though I’m 27?

We started having children the first year we were married. Lyla was due the day after our first anniversary, but was a day late. Then Paisley came along two years later. Recently we made the tough decision to stop having children in hopes that we can adopt a few years down the road— a desire we both have had since volunteering at Royal Family Kids Camp 4 years ago. My body never did well with pregnancy and I always had complications when delivering, so this was the safest option for our family. All of that to say: this year has been hard.

Change is hard for me. My “type A” personality does not do well with change.

There is always a loss when moving from one stage in life to another. We are no longer in the nursing stage which is nice because I have more freedom to be away from the kids with my photography, but I miss the bond that I shared with my girls during that season. I no longer have to carry the girls around 24/7 because they can walk and run on their own, giving my arms a break, but they are depending on me less and less the older they become. Being sad about the decision to not have more children isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the grief that comes with moving from one stage in life to another. The next stage will have its own set of joys.

Tomorrow Chris and I will have been married for 5 years. On the day we said our vows, I could’ve never anticipated the highs and lows we would experience in the first 5 years of our marriage. I am so much stronger and braver than I ever could have imagined. I birthed 2 gigantic  beautiful girls without drugs. I started my own business and have met many, many amazing clients. I now know that I have the capacity to love and forgive and be truly happy because of the unending promise that we made to one another 5 years ago. And I choose to make that promise again and again, each and every day. That is what I mean when I tell Chris, “Just you, always.” Not matter where we go in our lives together, I will always choose you.

Chris has been the most faithful companion through my hard year, always listening and being a shoulder to lean on even when I didn’t know the reason behind my sadness. He was the one holding my hand until I was okay again and he never let go of me, not even once. We’ve always said our marriage is a team effort and that couldn’t be more true this past year.

Thank you Chris for letting me be my real self with you always; the laughing, crying, weird singing, type A, directionally challenged self that I don’t have to be ashamed of. You are my biggest fan. Happy 5th anniversary.

Just you, always.

A big thank you to Nessa K Photography for our engagement and wedding photos, SC Portraits for Paisley’s maternity photos, and Sandi Stumpf for Lyla’s maternity photos.